Thornwell July Devotional – Faith over Doubt

There I was, laying on the floor of my bedroom, exhausted, and beyond frustrated. My 5 year old son, who minutes prior was joking around with his young brother, was curled up in a ball underneath our king size bed. He was immune to reasoning and had lost the ability or desire to use words, choosing only to respond in screeches or grunts. It had been a long day for all of us, and it was the boys’ bedtime. We were on duty in the cottage and my wife was downstairs with the girls, calming drama from the afternoon.
“I have no idea what I am doing.”
The innumerable times that sentence has either popped into my head or came out of my mouth as I have bumbled my way through adulthood is staggering. Even now, in my current role at Thornwell, I frequently find myself dumb founded and questioning myself, my abilities, and my call.
I am certain you’ve had similar experiences of being completely out of your depth, whether that is figuring out how to parent, navigating relationships, or juggling job responsibilities. It feels awful, but worse still, it feels dangerous to admit out loud. And yet, this is precisely what Moses does:
But Moses replied to the Lord, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent—either in the past or recently or since you have been speaking to your servant—because my mouth and my tongue are sluggish.”
The Lord said to him, “Who placed a mouth on humans? Who makes a person mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say.”
Moses said, “Please, Lord, send someone else.”
Exodus 4:10-13
Even with the clear assurance of YHWH, speaking from the midst of a burning bush, Moses is tripped up by his perceived incompetence. The guy who led the Israelites through the Red Sea, delivered the 10 Commandments from Mount Sinai, and brought God’s people to the edge of the promised land started his ministry by asking God to pick someone else.
On the floor, full of frustration, questioning my abilities as a father it was clear I could do one of two things: 1. physically yank my upset child from under the bed, making the situation magnitudes worse, or 2. admit my inability to God and ask for help. (In my fallen-ness, I was leaning strongly toward the first option.
While I don’t remember the content of the prayer, I do remember sinking into the carpet a little as I committed to spending all night there, if that is what God wanted. Within a moment, though, an idea flashed into my mind, and I spoke to my son.
“Hey buddy, I know you are upset. I hate that you are under the bed by yourself, but if that is what makes you feel better, that is fine. I am going to go read a book to your brother before bed. I love you.”
He crawled out about 30 seconds later and I felt the peace of Christ wash over me. It was miraculous. As people called to serve Christ, in whatever capacity that is, it is inevitable that we will feel incapable. While those moments may feel awful, those moments are holy if we know Jesus and are willing to own limitations.
I want to be clear – Moses’ self-doubts are not something we should strive to emulate. The humility and sincerity in which he communicates his inadequacy, though, is what God desires from us. It is in those moments our vision is clear enough for Him to remind us that He is Lord, we are not, and that He lovingly desires to work through – and with – us anyway.
Brothers and sisters, consider your calling: Not many were wise from a human perspective, not many powerful, not many of noble birth. Instead, God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God has chosen what is insignificant and despised in the world—what is viewed as nothing—to bring to nothing what is viewed as something, so that no one may boast in his presence. It is from him that you are in Christ Jesus, who became wisdom from God for us—our righteousness, sanctification, and redemption— in order that, as it is written: Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 1:26-31
Contributing writer, Adam Hafenbridle